Not Our Own Strength
When I was going through one of my hardest seasons I had a really particularly hard day. I started the day like I always did, morning devotions, coffee, and praying while I drove to work asking God for healing and strength. I felt confident I would be okay today. But a few hours into work the reality of life hit hard, the sadness came in intense waves, and I was triggered by a few things that made what I had been through feel so heavy. I walked, half running, out of my office to the bathroom and stood in the bathroom stall sobbing uncontrollably. I used up the rest of the toilet paper roll and tried to compose myself. I texted my best friend and asked her to pray for me. She responded with so much encouragement and wisdom. After a few minutes I calmed down and took a look in the mirror, hoping no one could tell I had been crying. My eyes were red and puffy, my mascara was smeared, and I had tear stained streaks down my face.
I cleaned up my face and left the bathroom, but within seconds the tears started coming again. I just couldn’t stop crying, which was a common occurrence the past few weeks. I decided to take a walk outside. I sat in my car sobbing and called my mom and talked to her for awhile. My mom is such an understanding, empathetic person and is so positive. I needed her empathy and also her encouragement that I would be okay. Then I took a walk around the building, practicing my breathing, trying to focus on the beauty of the fall trees that surrounded me, trying so hard to stop crying. Nothing was working.
I went back to my office and sat down in my chair. I didn’t know if I should just go home or continue this battle of trying to compose myself. Seconds later one of my co-workers walked into my office and I still could not control my emotions. I started bawling and grabbed a handful of tissues and put my head in my hands. I told her I didn’t like people to see me cry. She stood next to me and wrapped her arms around me and already I felt just a little bit better. I have always felt that hugs are so healing.
We sat in my office for a long time and had the most healing, emotional conversation that I knew I wanted to treasure and remember forever. She encouraged me to put Bible verses around my office and bedroom as reminders of truth. She told me the enemy likes to come in when we are the most vulnerable. She encouraged me that God will not waste my pain. She said our pain is not for nothing, it will be used to further His kingdom, to help someone else, to show others about the goodness of God, to grow us closer to Him. We never know how He will use our pain, but it is not wasted.
She also reminded me that we need God’s strength. She asked me to describe how I was feeling. I told her “I thought I was stronger than this.” I started my day with all the right things, I wanted to be so confident and okay, but then I just fell apart. I couldn’t stop crying and I hated that. I wanted to be stronger and was mad at myself for being so weak. Standing in the bathroom stall using toilet paper as tissues with my make up streaming down my face made me feel like a failure.
She reminded me that we cannot do this on our own. We often feel weak or inadequate, like we can’t hold it all together. But God works in us in our weakest moments. In 2 Corinthians it says, “My power is made perfect in weakness.” I believe that nothing opens our hearts and minds to see God’s power and His grace than in our weakest moments. We are reminded of our deep need of a Savior!
I left our conversation that morning feeling a sense of hope I hadn’t felt in a long time. She had such a gift of knowing how to be there for me. She sat with me in my grief. She encouraged me, listened to me, and spoke truth to me.
We need people. On this particular morning at work I needed my co-worker. I needed her physically there to help me calm down, to sit with me and hug me. I needed her to remind me of how much God loves me. I needed my best friend to text me encouraging words and my mom to answer the phone when I needed to hear a familiar voice. And we also need God. We need His strength to help us through the hardships of life. And the most encouraging thing is that He is always with us. He never leaves us. And that brings me so much hope, because I know that I cannot do this life alone!